Bad days

Seems like Robert Fuldghum got it right: we do indeed follow in a way certain patterns put in place as far back as nursery school. I found myself in a funny old situation when one of my friends is banned from seeing me (OR ELSE!) by another friend of ours, who feels he had his heart broken by me.

Of course it bugs me and I have a zero tolerance for this kind of manipulation in a grown-up world, especially since all of them are over thirty already. Of course, it is very hard to like / love someone, who does not like you back (I'm still working on that myself).

But you can't avoid going through life not touching people in both positive AND negative way,and boo to those who weep about harshness of unreciprocated love. I was unlucky enough to find myself on the other side of the spectrum - and let me tell you, even though this type of suffering is not as glamorously decadent and romantic - being someone's object of adoration and affection onto which he projects his desires and hopes, and knowing you can't/ don't want to/ will never reciprocate his feelings, is hard too.

Another close friend of mine called me today complaining that for the first time in his (so far) short-term relationship, he did not have an amazing day with his boy, but rather JUST an average one, afraid it might mean something is going wrong.

"It only means the opposite, you know," I told him.

Dating is great, but when you actually feel so comfortable with someone you switch the hysterical dating face off, and just let go and slow down, yes!.. there are going to be moments of silence, or maybe even a little boredom. But that's life. Single or in relationship, you have to embrace that it's lots of work, it gets dull, it gets boring, and occasionally it can also get unexpectedly beautiful and exciting, and it is so much better if you can share this special moments with special people.

This friend of mine got inexplicably worried and anxious even though it's HIM, who holds the relationship in 'no pressure, no commitment' realm. He is faithful. But at the same time he wants to hold on to the chance of not being faithful - should such an opportunity arise (just because he feels there are still loads of penises in the world for him to explore) and he claims his new boyfriend sort of agrees on his terms.

I've learned not to judge and respect other people's choices. I wouldn't necessarily want to find myself in the same set-up as my friend, just purely because it is not a path that could possibly lead towards anything nice and happy as I personally experience it. But I can't but suspect eventually one of them WILL want to fortify the growing time and emotional investment with some assurances, that comes with a committed relationship.

I do try not to judge. And not to preach. But it ain't all peachy relating to a friend, who had find someone truly exceptional and special (which is not easy, it's definitely NOT EASY in London, and for some people it actually never happens) but insists on having his options open (which only drives the partner away).

Relationship DOES mean consciously deciding on restrictions. But that's ok. That in a long run and from the perspective of human experience is a good thing.

It's only recently I'd say, maybe a millenials phenomena, this astounding wilful selfishness that makes people boast around and take pride in unwillingness to give up a 'personal freedom'. Whereas maybe a far bigger freedom (and fun) lies in being able to transcend your own ego selflessly onto another human being.

And reaching that point is maybe a far greater achievement to take pride in.

So yeah, I am feeling a bit beaten up today, I feel a bit sorry for myself, my colleagues annoy me for no reason and all I want to do is drink hot chocolate and watch Gilmore Girls.
But I take it and I milk it and I roll around in it.
Bad mood is ok. It happens.

After all the world just keeps on happening..and we have so little control over the events in it, there are always going to be people doing things we don't like, and things happening we wish were different. The truth is that the only aspect of life you have any control over is your own reaction to the events taking place.

Simple realisation that it is ok to wake up feeling slightly crap. It is absolutely fine when your mood plummets, just do what you have to do to get through the day without attacking and blaming people or questioning your life's circumstances. Calm down, embrace your inner grumpy cat for today, and tomorrow it will all seem a little better again.

To me, it helps to remind myself, that a shitty mood is not a result of what is going on in my life. It's the other way around - a bad mood CONDITIONS your life. It is a starting point of your experience, no the end product.

There is no need for any psychoanalysis, no need to call your therapist, no need to figure anything out, reconsider my relationships or change anything in your life. Just do your little long face sulking for today and avoid any big decisions and resolutions, cause your mood colours the way you see and approach things.

Or, if that doesn't work, you know, there's always vodka.