I said it and I'm gonna say it again: the charity shops and random stray furniture are the best thing that happened to England since bread&butter pudding.

It was hard to say goodbye to the charity shop tigers, but I think they found a good home with Lex Cooper, who can forever admire this piece of artistry knowing it helped funding the cancer research.

I've met Alex on a dating site and we never went on a date. For over a year. But our energy in texting - limited to belittling each other and coming up with intricate ideas of how to attempt on each other's lives in accordance to take over the world (no jokes, and yes, I'm 29).

I finally cycled down to the abominable Croydon to meet him for his little birthday outing in a park with family. He was there with his brother's family (including two satanic evil not good very bad six year old princesses of Hell), and thanks god for that, cause in person he is a bit ASPI and to replicate our back-and-forth banter from Whatsapp is painful and fruitless effort.

I told him to meet me under a tree scorched by a lightning, an accurate representation of my life at the moment, and we spent the afternoon tasting his birthday cake (which was GREEN), walking around the playground with a giant tiger under his arms and every now and then worrying that the wild changelings were abducted by a pervy adult.

Of course, that would be a big mistake to do for any perv, as - trust me - you do not wish to cross these girls.

Whatever you do, DO NOT dare to call a six year old girl Stinky, cause man they come back with !REVENGE!!!! I've been told:

"Your ears are going to turn into a snail poo and then other snails will come to eat it, we will turn your eyes into tomatoes and karatejudo kick your head, then your face is gonna collapse and come out of your bum, we'll steal your bike and all your money, drain your blood and then you die." ..and finishing in a sweet voice: "Does that worry you?"