So I've (sort of) survived what was probably the last ever Christmas at Cypress Road 36.

Past few years, since our relocation to England, we have been spending the festivities in a group of friends, soaked in sugar, spirits and grease from all that meat and fat indulgance, balooning collectively on a sofa whilst watching Czech fairytales.

We've aquired a certain roles in the process, like Klara being in charge of a potatoe salad, me preparing devilish mulled drinks (usually made out of anything and everything with alcohol in it that comes to my hand), Adam doing the decoration and fixing our electric fireplace. And even though our housemates rotate with accelerated speed, the core - me, Klara and Adam - remains always the same and yes, it does feel like spending the Xmas with family.

Skype was a revolutionary tool to connect relatives across continents, but I think - in my case at least - it caused some damage to the REAL connections within family too... I can now video Skype my parents from my smartphone on the go, any time I want, and it creates this fake bubble of being constantly in touch and postpones the need to actually physically go through the whole travelling shenanigans (avoiding financial and nervous breakdowns). But as I have been reminded recently - there WILL be Christmas days when I would wish my parents are still around and that I could have spent more of those with them, so yes, next year I really SHOULD make the effort and come celebrate Xmas with family.

It's 9 months now, since my 8 year relationship with Adam tumbled down..I think we both subconsciously avoided going through pain by not really looking for a new place to live and we've spent those last 9 months still under the same roof, sort of waiting for the things to change around us without us two having to change anything. Much like with the Skype situation, having a fake sense of closeness generated by the same old dynamics of the house, friends, rituals, knowing the other person is still there somewhere, physically at least, if not still a little bit emmotionally.

Yes, we have avoided hard decisions, financial and nervous breakdowns and actually walking through the pain of a failed relationship, of love being lost and anger of seeing the other one moving on and being happy without our help. We avoided loosing a feeling of significance, even though logically I know of course, you are not significant through one particular person thinking so.

We wanted our relationship to turn from day one into a nice little package labeled 'past', our breakup to be an affair as nice as possible. But as my friend Tereza scolded me:

"Breakup is a fucking ugly thing, it's not supposed to be nice, it's supposed to feel shit and that's the point. Missing something but knowing it can't be no more."

And I know of course, that going through hard times, dealing with it, roll around in it, but keep going and re-emerge at the end not cured but maybe knowing something new about your self and your emmotional processes, going on regardless the pain and hoping for better things to come regardless the dissapointment - that's when we grow as human beings.. Not when it all is buttersmooth peachy.

I'm moving out 1st January.

Leaving behind the best house I've ever lived in, bunch of people I'll most likely never see, hang out and generate memories this much again, memories for the best years of my young life, some of the best parties we ever hosted, frustration with housemates that were too messy or too stoned to co-exist with peacefully, memories for my best Christmas days ever (and I would think you'd always remeber your childhood Xmas as the top ones).

I have probably said and done things I shouldn't have over this past few days of festivities, but let that all be a growing pain of past, a sort of last bit of lashing out to sign off this peculiar, bizarre and HIGHLY CONFUSING year of 2014 and wipe the sheet clean for the new year to come.

After all, we've never been through an eight year relationship, maybe never will be again... We have never been through a break-up of an eight year relationship...We have never been through a situation of sharing a house with your ex (and his one-night stands) after a breakdown of your eight year relationship and through moving out of the house, moving away from a person you can only ever always remeber living a sharing your life on day-to-day basis with.

If there's any stand to come out of this year's experience, I revoke the notion of 'good' or 'bad', 'mistakes' and 'bravo you're coping well' in regards to myself. I am experiencing all of this for a first time of my life, I just 'DO' and 'FEEL' things certain way, I refuse to label it as good or bad, I just observe it, think about it, speak about it with my friends and try to learn about myself that way.

I did a huge chunk of growing in this amazing house. But letting go and (trying to)being ok with it is going the be the biggest chunk yet.

P.S.: I always imagined one day when I grow up and spend the XMAS with friends, a madness and orgies will ensue, but alas, I'm happy to report, that no matter what age you are, it still is very much about drinks, FOOD, board games and knitting scarfs.

Although there has been some climbing on the trees stripped down to swimming suite (???) but I do not remeber that part very clearly, so let's forget that.