Friday, 10th May - Poitiers, France

I have just finished removing Leaticia's cats genetic information from my first ever smart black jacket (got it in Primark just for the funeral), now all dressed listening to my 'ghost stories' podcast, whilst you sit on the porcelain throne smoking a jay.

This is us in May 2019.

I was there when they called you with the tragic news about your grandad. I held your hand and stroked your back, all along swimming inside through the waters of absolute dread - this means we're flying to France for a funeral in few days and I just recently dyed my hair 'electric blue' (which is cool in the context of London but not when facing your grieving family in such an intimate moment). I think this pretty much foreshadowed this unfortunate trip to be a huge exercise in ego management.

'This is not about you.'

That's a piece of life wisdom I got over SMS from my unpaid life-coach/best friend Tereza. I'm in France, highly anxious. When I'm nervous I chew chewing gums for too long & when I chew for too long I bite my cheeks on the inside. I almost cried out in pain during the church ceremony and then - not my proudest moment - absent-mindedly glued that chewing gum on the bottom of my church seat (there were already few in there). Realising that some time later, I got super anxious again about being stricken by God's wrath or unleashing some sort of curse upon my head because of it, which - surprise surprise - made me hysterically chew on some more chewing gums and bite the inside of my cheeks some more.

'Stop doing your 'project management' - sometimes all that's needed is being present & sit in silence. Let me know how it all goes. T.'

So, sit in silence I did quite a lot of, but instead of slowly dying inside, I've been filling up with an immense gratitude for being a silent witness to this important milestone on your journey. For being able to share this moment and the two of us being accepted as a couple, as if it was the most natural thing.., taken under their wing & yes, loved by each others families.

In 2019, that's still quite special, I think.

I have no idea yet about how the rest of today's gonna go, what kind of memory is today going to be preserved in (hopefully not me puking red wine on your mum's dress). What I know for sure is I'm lucky enough to be here with you, to be a part of this memory & that's all that matters. Courage!

With all my love & support always

Kuba