Except for that one infamous year of my teenage rebellion, my relationship with mum and dad has always been bulletproof.

When I was eighteen, my brother killed himself.
And with every such deep reaching tragedy, it changes you, it shakes up your world and beliefs. Maybe (and it may sound a bit grim and horrible) sometimes someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. And the magic of having a family, relationship and closeness regardless all the nastiness life throws in your direction.

I came across the subject of kids and family the other day with a friend, who's 26, just three years younger. She said, as feeling right now, parenting will most likely never happen for her. I listened to her reasoning and thought :

'Wow, you're me exactly at your age, you're me in my past relationship.'

Only couple years ago, I've occupied exactly the same spot. My partner of eight years, obsessed with kids to the point, that I'm sure he would adopt eventually even as a single parent, constantly tried to squeeze some kind of promise or a commitment to the idea of a family out of me.

And I constantly kept kicking back, as I do when pushed, not really seeing it as relevant, wanting to first put the work into our relationship, maybe move out of the house that we share with four other people (yes, that is still very much on, ex-boyfriend as a housemate included), travel the world, go through numerous crisis that make or break relationships, build a house, secure our careers and then, but only then open a DISCUSSION about kids.

First and foremost, we were a gay couple, and as such 'having a baby' is a far more complex issue than just a pure man and woman biology, and inevitably requires profound planning and having an earthquake-proof base for a family. Eventually I just wanted to hear that he's in it no matter what the future brings, and that the idea of childless future with me seemed still a happy concept for him. That we CAN and maybe WILL be happy together even if the child doesn't happen, that ME - with everything I have - could or will be enough.

We are not together anymore.

And I'm thinking - maybe this was the role we were meant to have in each others lives...Him pushing me there, forcing me to contemplate the idea of family = to slowly realise that 'yes' under the right circumstances it is an experience I'd love to have in my life. And him facing the very real possibility of having a dream family in a stable relationship to realise: 'actually, hold on', there's too early for that and there are stuff (I'd like to say other than sexual, but not quite sure about that) that he still needs to experience out there in the world before settling down.

As in any relationship, we have made each other compromise, we had made each other face the possible future together, that might have been different from what we could ever imagine for ourselves, just because 'yes', in a relationship you do have to meet half way. And we influence each other and teach each other something new about ourselves.

Apparently I've always had tendencies to let myself be thrown around by men.

I searched deep inside myself, confronted all the options I wasn't ready and felt too young to dive into in a first place, and found that there is a growing affection towards the idea of having a family. But be aware! Not towards having a baby to take care of as a single father. The intriguing concept for me is the whole package. Family. That presumes finding a partner and love big enough to sustain this lifelong project (or at least an ambition for it), and to extend the love to another tiny human being. It presumes finding someone who is willing to commit to the future with me (impossible?), to all that hard work of raising a child with all the beautiful, scary, frustrating but ultimately rewarding elements it brings to the game.

But finding a love, or living a happy life shouldn't be conditioned by the prospect of having kids. Happiness should not depend on being a parent. And yes, Adam, you're a fucking dickhead for making me feel that way.

My big advantage is the lack of any biological clock, ticking menacingly in the background, and if the family ever happens for me, it will start with love and meeting (or arriving together) to the same idea about our future together. And that itself is a challenge I'm not sure I'll ever conquer. But not being a woman swayed by the hormonal storms, I can safely say I won't trade love and a meaningful relationship for the experience of fatherhood.

Of course that's all a potential future in some galaxy far far away, stretched out towards a potential never, and admittedly my idea of parenthood is shaped up by a religious re-watching of Gilmore Girls, when in fact the family dynamics is probably more like something from Ingmar Bergman's film.